One way to play with cards! What does your Parent say though?

There are many ways that we can interact with eachother and now that school’s out for the summer there will be many families who witness more whinging, sulking and general grousing. And that’s just from mum and dad….

…you can almost smell the Child Ego State at work here and when we think about being in our Parent or our Child there are four typical ways people tend to communicate. Of course there are always nuances of behaviour and complex conversations, so all we’re doing here is taking a fat brush to conversations and painting them in four big stripes.

1) Parent to Parent
Arguing over who’s in charge, or who really knows best…you see this in the school playground when two mums tell eachother how they would run the school. Also, this is often seen when two managers at work are talking at (not to) each other to establish who is top dog.

2) Parent to Child
Telling someone what to do and expecting them to be a good boy/girl and get on with it. This is sometimes disguised as ‘asking’ and can still be telling…this is what my Child tends to rebel against, when it has flounced off in a huff, to sulk for a bit. Telling and asking can also be friendly and supportive, so we don’t want to think of things as just being negative. Likewise, when we’re taking care of our team, or partner, it’s likely that our Parent is addressing their Child.

3) Child to Parent
If we’re unsure, nervous, unwell, or need someone to guide us it’s quite likely that in our Child we will hook the other person’s Parent, so that they take the leadership position and sort things out for us. I’ve seen an unhealthy example in an office recently, where an Assistant kept using her ‘lost and confused’ look to snag a Manager into doing the work for her. Sometimes our need to be looked after is genuine and healthy and sometimes we might simply be avoiding taking responsibility ourselves.

4) Child to Child
Ever played with your partner (you can define ‘play’), or had a joke at work? Of course you have and these are classic interactions where our natural Child energy is there for all to see. Being creative, solving problems with intuition, having fun, or perhaps crying together, are all examples of when we’re all in our Child Ego State. Watch out though after a hard day at work, when both of you are in your Child and looking for someone to be the Parent and do the looking after…’No, you cook dinner!’…’NO! It’s your turn to do dinner!!’ …sound familiar?

Once we can see what is happening we can make decisions to continue or to change. Do we keep playing, or do we cook dinner, or take the lead, or ask for help? We can enjoy noticing how well we communicate with others and can stop and do things differently if we feel things spiralling into an argument.

When we’re tired or stressed it’s likely that we will be in either our Parent or our Child and so given the nature or looking after the kids for six weeks, or going ‘on holiday to relax’ many of us will have ample opportunity to spot patterns of Ego State behaviour over the summer. The trick here is to be honest and to ask for what we need from those around us. Even if that means asking the kids to prepare dinner once in a while!*

Our Task For This Week

Is to…have fun noticing Ego States. Perhaps watch EastEnders….who is in their Parent and who is in their Child?

Amazon Review

Job Hunting 3.0 has had it’s first review (thank you) and if you have read the book please do add your review to Amazon as they make a difference. Just click here – thank you!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Thank you for reading to the end…

Next week is about the Adult Ego State and part two of ‘Icecream Story’…

*Assuming you’re not expecting a five year old to rustle up anything too fancy!

This finger belongs to Queen Victoria. Who is pointing the finger at you in your head?

Here’s a dilemma: Should I go to the beach or stay in and do some work? Naturally my Child wants to go and play and yet there’s a voice in my head that whispers caution…it would make sense to take advantage of a quiet house. I could get some work done and then have some time off to play. I ought to use the opportunity and tick off a couple of items on my to-do list…

When you re-read that dilemma it looks like you can ‘hear’ two people struggling to get their point across. In my Child Ego State I want to go and build sand castles and the other voice is my Parent Ego State, which is telling me what really is the best thing to do.

Who Is In Your Head?

The term ‘Parent Ego State’ refers to the collection of other people who have influenced us and who we carry around in our head. We carry their words and phrases and ways of thinking around with us and when we replay them, we’re said to be in our Parent Ego State. So, when I’m saying to myself that ‘I should be doing some work’ what I’m doing (in TA terms) is replaying a tape of Mum, or Dad encouraging me to work. Our heads are full of the voices from the past and we take them on board by a process called Introjection, which means we just absorbed them in directly without considering their meaning or purpose. We tend to do this at a young age and most of the tapes relate to the key influences we had at that time. Perhaps our family, our first teacher, a neighbour, or aunt or big brother all left their mark on us. Because we were young we didn’t question what we heard we just sucked it up and added it to our store of memories.

Leadership And Taking Care

Now that we’re ‘grown ups’ we use these people to guide us and sometimes they’re helpful. We follow their rules and use their advice to make decisions. We copy what they did (or said to do) to take care of ourselves and others. Sometimes we need a bit of leadership and sometimes we need to look after people, so these influences can be helpful to have.

However…

We might also carry around rubbish. We might have too many rules and these limit our freedom to act, or set restrictions on how we can have fun. We might have learned to take care of people by ’smothering’ them with love or affection, or by telling them what to do before they’ve had a chance to ask for help. This isn’t a great way of taking care and is often the root cause of well meaning, but patronising behaviour.

The chances are that we all have a few rocks in our head and part of life is about recognising them, smiling when we trip over one and then doing what makes sense to us now. Often when we use the words should, ought, must we are in our Parent Ego State and are trotting out someone else’s wisdom, or rules.

So What?

Knowing about Ego States is useful because we can think about our behaviour and can decide to make changes. We can find new people to guide us, or can challenge what’s in our head and can stop doing the work and can build sand castles instead. That’s what I did on Sunday. And I had an icecream and I swam in the sea. It was great.

Eric Was Here First

I was asked by someone if I ‘credited Berne’s work’ in my Ego State-related posts sometimes, as Eric Berne was the founder of TA and someone who came up with many of the models. This was a real Parental instruction, the smugness of which instantly made my Child feel rebellious (my Child hates being out-smugged). So, in the spirit of rebellion I thought it would make a great blog post for next week: How the Parent and Child Ego States interact. Can you guess how they get on and how they get stroppy?

Eric Wasn’t Here First

Sadly for my credit-hound Berne didn’t invent Ego States, which is why I haven’t credited him as such. He based his work, and freely acknowledged it, on the ego psychology described mainly by Paul Federn and developed by Edoardo Weiss. What he did do was suggest that the archaic parent/child influences were also employed alongside a more grounded and rational position, which he called the Adult. We’ll meet the Adult Ego State in the future. He also drew some models and said lots of clever and thoughtful things and we love him for that too.

Our Task For This Week

Is to…spot one thing that we do, or don’t do, that is based on one of our Parental tapes. When we find the thing, we need to ask if it’s helpful, or if it is getting in the way and needs to be ejected. Listen out for the shoulds and oughts as they are often a big clue. Should we do that thing? Really???

Amazon Review

Job Hunting 3.0 has had it’s first review (thank you) and I’ve been told an excerpt is likley to be in the Sunday Times too, so that’s two good things to celebrate. If you have read the book please do add your review to Amazon as they make a difference. Just click here – thank you!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Thank you for reading to the end and remember to begin spotting when you’re in your Parent. If you want to, that is.

Next week is about when the Parent and Child battle it out…and get on sometimes.

Enjoy some swing time and get to know your Child

How do you sulk? Think for a moment and for fun have a go at answering that question. Do you pout, or huff, or stamp your feet, or give out moody looks, or sigh heavily, or say ‘yes’ but mean ‘no’….

We all sulk from time to time and when we do we tend to behave in the same way that we did as a small child. When we’re grown up this replaying of feelings, thoughts and behaviours from when we were small is called; being in our Child Ego State. This is sometimes shortened to ‘being in our Child.’

What is an Ego State?

Put simply, an Ego State is a metaphor for a collection of behaviours. Because we can’t see inside our heads we need to find ways of labelling clusters of related behaviours and the term ’Ego State’ does that for us. The Child Ego State refers to the collection of experiences we logged as a young person and which we now use as we make our way through life. Some estimates suggest that about 80% plus of our current behaviour is a repetition of our development up to the age of five or six, by which time we had learned how to play, solve problems, use social graces and table manners, have fun, be creative, be affectionate, get our own way and keep ourselves safe (from the scary big people). Or not. Or to a greater or lesser level.

We are Ourselves

We decided what information to take in, what worked for us and what to alter and the Child Ego State is an embodiment of ‘us’. This means that we might be different from our siblings, who although may have been raised in the same environment, decided on their own way of going about things. I think this is an important point because we are not simply a facsimile of our environment and parents – we have been influenced and we made choices for ourselves. Therefore, the implication is that we have to take responsibility for our actions and not try to pass the buck back down the family tree.

So What?

Knowing about Ego States is useful because they help us to act in awareness and either enjoy being ‘us’ or allow us to make changes to our behaviour. Pause for a moment and think about all the times when you may have been in your Child Ego State so far today? Some useful clues are:

1. When you felt young again.

2. When your were doing what you were told (or rebelling), or being carefree.

3. When your actions could be viewed as being similar to those of a five year old.

4. When you were being your own little self, just getting on with stuff in your way.

I have a large Child Ego State (people can vary in the size of theirs, relative to their other Ego States) and will muck about, choose my breakfast cereal based on how fun it looks, sing in the car on the way to a client and thoroughly resent being asked to do the washing up. In all of these bursts I am most definitely in my Child. I giggle when I’m writing a naughty word (bum) and I love the accurate use of foul language to get a laugh, make a point, or underscore a client’s miserable experience. This can be great fun, challenging and offensive. I have to work hard sometimes to rein it in and if you read my current book you will see there is no swearing, because that would be inappropriate. However, and the publisher hasn’t twigged yet, the book does contain odd words such as C3PO, Christmas, Cincinnati and a guest appearance by King Arthur, that I buried in there, purely for amusement. Knowing about my Child Ego State enabled me to do a thoroughly professional writing job and have a bit of fun at the same time.

That’s the point of the Ego States, which also include Parent and Adult. They are a fantastic framework for observing behaviour, mapping conversations, building teams, improving leadership styles and making long lasting developmental changes.

Our Task For This Week

Is to…spot our sulking and instead of wallowing, catch it and make decision to ask for what we need. We can choose to wash the dishes and be helpful and be positive about it. And we can ask for a hug, or bring cakes for our team and have some fun.

FREE Sample Book…at last a book written for the UK/European market!

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Or is about to be made redundant and needs to make a start in sorting out their CV? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

+++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

Thank you for reading to the end and remember to begin spotting when you’re in your Child.

Next week is a brief introduction to the Parent Ego State…which is another archaic Ego State. We will meet the term: Introjected. It’s more interesting than it sounds, trust me.

I want fireworks on my icecream...I'm the customer, so go on - delight me!

Ok, it’s no secret, but sometimes I just have to lick something and that something is ….icecream. We have a range of shops and deli’s in Holt and so we’re pretty well served on the icecream stakes. We can do better than an orange Mivvy or a tub of something yellow and waxy, as per Walls c.1975. Oh, I remember that they made both icecream and sausages…what an obvious product combination. There was probably more of an overlap in ingredients than I care to imagine too.

The point of this happy rambling is to tee up the story which I will now tell. As is my habit I sometimes head out of the office for a tub of something cold and soft. A week ago I ambled into a shop, that had served me well the week before, and striding up to the counter I smiled and said:

‘Ah hello, can I have scoop of maple and walnut with one of those crispy thingies please?’

‘No. You can’t,’ and the assistant handed me a tub containing just icecream.

‘But I had a crispy thingy last week!’

‘No, they’re only for people eating in, not for take aways.’

‘But the other lady gave me some….’

‘No! That will be £1.80.’

I paid up and wandered out of the shop. Should I have made a scene and asked to see the manager? It seemed a trifle petty to haggle over a crispy thingy, worth all of 2p, but I did feel cheated because the week before I had ordered a couple of scoops and the assistant had given me a variety of crispy things. I was delighted and vowed to make the shop my icecream-stop of choice. But oh not any more. How cruelly I had been deceived and now how let down I felt. They weren’t interested in delighting their newest customer; they didn’t even listen to him.

People Have Emotions

My delight from week one turned to disappointment in week two as I felt they were charging a premuim, but now only supplying a standard product. Added to the fact that I wasn’t listened to, it made me wonder how customer loyalty has to be maintained at all times. People all have emotions and being told you’re wrong in a shop full of old ladies, with flapping jug ears, was not a great experience. The child side of me (we all have one) felt hard done by and so and in the best tradition of people who get poor service, I told everyone I met about the lack of crispy things at that particular shop.

What Happened Next…

It was hot this week (you might have noticed), so I decided to give the shop one more chance, in the spirit of consumer testing. This time I marched in and without hesitation asked for:

‘A scoop of maple and walnut and a scoop of creme brulee and a wafer please!’ Ha! I was full of technical jargon this week!

‘Of course’, said the assistant, with a smile.

‘Were you the lady who served me last week?’ I asked

‘Yes’, she sighed, ‘I thought you had asked for sprinkles!’

Choose Your Moral

She did give me a wafer, although her colleague had given me three, but I wondered as I licked, what the moral of the story is. Perhaps it means that you have to know what to ask for to get good service?  Perhaps you have to ask for three wafers in life, if you want three? Maybe it’s about making sure your staff know what the product is and have authority to do that little bit extra to delight the customer? Or, it could be that if you’re serving someone you have to listen to them and help them to articulate what it is they want. Guessing, or just saying ‘no’ isn’t going to win you many new customers.

You can decided what great customer service means to you. I’m off to get licking, because today is my birthday (5th July) and I love birthdays, so it could be a three scoop day… (Happy birthday to you too if this is your special day as well).

Our Task For This Week

If we have a new project, or customer, or team meeting perhaps ask ourselves how we can delight those present? We might buy them a cake, or finish the meeting on time, or stroke people a bit more for their efforts. Whatever we do, we can all provide people with excellent customer service and feel good about doing it.

FREE Sample Book…at last a book written for the UK/European market!

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Or is about to be made redundantand needs to make a start in sorting out their CV? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

+++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

Thank you for reading to the end and remember to eat some icecream if you’re in need of a treat in the hot weather…

Next week is a brief introduction to the Child Ego State…which is part of the next series of blogs about Transactional Analysis.

Is your language moving you up the stairs, or are you stuck at the bottom?

There is a game we all play at one time or another with people, which limits our horizons and is used to keep ourselves in a stuck place. A game that is a psychological version of ‘talk to the hand’. The game is called: Yes, but…

For example, I was working with someone who wanted to start their own business and to date, they had made no real progress. Part of the conversation went like this:

Me: So, you could borrow some money as start up capital…

Client: Yes I could, but the bank will never lend it to me.

Me: Or you could increase your mortgage and use the cash to get you started…

Client: That’s a good idea, but my partner will never agree to it.

Me: Have you asked her yet?

Client: No, not yet. I suppose I could ask her, but she would just say no.

Can you see what’s happening here? Can you feel my rising frustration?

Games Tend To Repeat

A game can be defined as a ’series of transactions that lead to a predictable negative payoff’. Or to put it another way, you sense that you’re getting nowhere and an argument develops. Many people get cross about the same situation, on a repeating basis, and can have a strong feeling of ‘here we go again’. People do this partly because it’s out of awareness and partly because of the all the intense strokes that are generated. (We will talk more about games in the coming weeks as it’s a central part of Transactional Analysis and a good way to spot and change organisational culture and team dynamics). In the story above, the client was appearing to agree to each suggestion and in reality they were not; they were exhibiting mildly passive-aggressive behaviour and were staying stuck because they were putting their energy into finding fault and seeing the negatives. Why people do this is a subject in its own right, so for now we can concentrate on the words used to get round it.

If we sense that someone is playing Yes,but… with us then we have a couple of choices:

1. Stop doing their thinking for them.

2. Change our words.

1) Stop Our Thinking

In the example about setting up in business I was doing the thinking for the other person, which makes it possible for them to rubbish my idea. This can be an easy trap to fall into and if a client is doing this I will stop the conversation and say something like:

‘Look, I feel that I’m doing the thinking here for you. What ideas do you have to raise the money you need?’

This gets the client to think for themself and then they are less likely to dismiss their own ideas out of hand. I also keep silent, so that they have to break the silence with their thoughts, which is a powerful way to really put people on the spot and get their brain working.

2) Change Our Words

A great way to get people moving is to change the words from Yes, but… to either Yes, and… or And, if…

You want to start writing a blog and you don’t know how? Well, yes you can do it and you could talk to someone who already blogs, and if you did that it might increase your knowledge, and if that happened you would feel more confident, and if you feel more confident you’re more likely to make a great start…(and so on). Instantly the use of a couple of key words changes the conversation from a dull plodding one, into a hopeful, soaring, creative and inspiring one.

Have  look at the sample conversation from earlier and ask yourself how I could have used ‘And, if…’ to set the conversation off on a different direction?

Small Tools

Increasingly I’m finding that the some of the best bits of technique are the tiny tools. The odd words, or phrases, that we use repeatedly and which make a large difference. I think of these as the communications equivalent of the plastic screwdriver sets you sometimes get in a Christmas cracker (only 167 shopping days to go) …they look flimsy and yet they work a treat and are handy little things to have around.

The next time you get sucked into a Yes, but… game, stop and change the words you’re using. It could change your life, or at least just give you a happier day!

Our Task For This Week

Listen out for Yes, but… conversations that we might be having with other people. When do we need to stop being passive and to start using And, if… to help ourselves make progress?

FREESample Book…had lots of great feedback so far!

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

+++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

Thank you for reading to the end and enjoy spotting those Yes, but… games!

Next week is a story about poor customer service and icecream. 99 with a flake, anyone?

Go on then have a guess; what kind of flower is it?

What is the secret of success when you’re looking for a job? What is the secret of success when you’re running your own business? What is one thing you can’t buy, can’t steal and need to have? The answer is P-A-S-S-I-O-N. It’s the difference that makes a difference and if you’re selling yourself at a job interview, or selling your products or services then it’s important to let your passion show though. This is because ‘people buy people’ and although we often line up objective criteria to make our decisions, in practice our underlying emotions often have the whip hand and make the final selection.

This tends to happen out of our awareness, which means that it’s easy to overlook the value of projecting positive emotions when trying to clinch that deal, or land that job. And there is a second issue which is that if you talk about being passionate directly, it can sound false and pretentious, because the key to success is to convey the emotion without stating it directly.

How To Show Passion

Here are 5 Top Tips to help you convey your passion when you want someone to buy you:

1) Use lively words.This may sound simple, but salting your conversation with key words can really convey your passion because so few people do it well. If you’re using words such as like / enjoy / thrive / relish / enthusiastic / love …then people will hear your energy and enthusiasm. If you add in some ‘really like’ for added emphasis, then so much the better.

2) Explain what lies behind your passion. It’s easy to claim passion and harder to back it up with a coherent case, so telling people what parts of your work really enthuse you will help them to make sense of your emotion.

3) Smile. I have seen some people talk about their ‘passion’ for business with all the charisma of a dead cod. It doesn’t work. When you say your lively words, be sure to smile broadly as you recall the happy memories associated with them.

4) Be realistic. Talk about your enthusiasm for supporting people, meeting a challenge head on, solving complex problems or being creative, for example. These aspects of work can stir our emotions in a way that licking envelopes or carrying boxes can fail to do.

5) Be selective.  I have met people who are so enthusiastic about everything, it can start to sound a bit disbelieving. Unless they’re Mary Poppins of course and then that’s fair enough. Think about the things that really hook your interest, or your appetite for work and focus on these for maximum impact.

Enjoy Yourself

It’s OK to share your enthusiasm and to enjoy the effect you have on others when you talk about it. For example, I am the Director of a new programme starting at Cranfield in September (see below) and the delegates will benefit from working closely with myself and my colleagues. We love sharing our knowledge and supporting people in their development and it’s truly rewarding to see good people do well, and go on to secure new jobs.

Our Task For This Week

When you have to sell yourself at an interview, pitch an idea, or lead a team, then smile, drop in a few lively words and notice how people respond more warmly and with more energy.

FREE Sample Book

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 6th September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. WARNING: This course can seriously improve your chances of getting a job and involves fun, new learning and will increase your confidence.

Thank you for reading to the end and enjoy being passionate!

Next week is all about how we limit ourselves by saying ‘Yes, but…’

This is what happens inside our head when someone talks to us for too long.

Do you ever listen to Desert Island Discs? (BBC Radio 4.) It’s been running since Noah was a lad and it features the great and the good getting to pick eight records and a luxury to accompany them to a desert island. You have to choose one luxury to make life bearable, so what do you choose?

Well, on the desert island that is job hunting, and its near neighbour that is networking, my choice of luxury is the Minute To Win It.

It’s a luxury in that it makes life bearable and reduces stress. Although it is a freely available and much used tool, it is also an overlooked and ignored item to the extent that for some people it might as well be a luxury. Gloriously expensive and teasingly unobtainable.

Tell Me About Yourself

This is question we get asked at networking events and is often the first question put to us at an interview. Deceptively innocent and open, the question masks a number of cowpats that the uninitiated can squish into:

1. Over talking. People aren’t really that interested in us. They want a few key facts, they want to find areas of mutual interest and connection and then they want us to stop talking.

2. People prefer talking. People often prefer to talk than to listen, not because they’re rude, but because they can get more strokes for talking than for listening. So, if we answer the question by rambling on and on and [yawn] on and on, they start get to a bit fractious. Our ears start to get fatigued after 60 seconds, hence the name ‘Minute To Win It’….a minute is a comfortable length of time to listen for.

3. Being dull. Having a beige personality can be interview suicide, if the organisation wants to hire likeable, engaging, sparkly people, and most do. Work is tough, so having a smile and something interesting to say encourages people to warm to us and makes a tough life bearable. Don’t be dull – be interesting.

How To Do It Well

We can talk at a rate of 150 to 250 words per minute, particularly if we’re excited and the adrenalin is flooding our system. This is a minute of time. We can take these words and use them to make some specific points in our minute and then we can stop talking and can ask a question to ‘throw it back’ to the other person. This is our minute of time used effectively.

An Example

Instead of writing out 150 words, the smart thing to have is a list of 8 key words, or bullet points, + 1 question. (Some people prefer lists, others a more pictorial approach, so do what works best for you.) The outline can look like this:

1. Hi there, my name is [name]
2. I’m an experienced [add your chief skill set or role]
3. I’m interested in [reason for being here]
4. Something interesting about me includes [a skill somebody wants to pay for]
5. Something interesting about me [an experience or mention a household name you've worked with]
6. Something interesting about me [a work-related fact or achievement to hook interest]
7. A number that illustrates how good I am [write a number here]
8. A story title that demonstrates one of my strong points [story title]
9. QUESTION: So that’s a bit about me, what would you like to know more about?

For me at a networking event this might look like:

1. Richard, Richard Maun
2. Development specialist
3. Improve language skills in teams
4. Transactional Analysis
5. The NHS
6. Saudi Sheikh
7. £4m contract in pathology department
8. Shipping 24,000 litres of wine from New Zealand

In a few quick, carefully chosen brush strokes I can use my minute to give people memorable details about me. I can talk about my 8 points and can turn them into a potted history that celebrates successes and gives people a snappy little pen-portrait of my background. It doesn’t matter if other details are left out, they can be thrown in during later conversations, because the whole point is to hook interest and then stop talking. Given that I’m not going into great detail in my minute I’m also fairly confident of what some of the follow up questions could be such as:

• Tell me about the £4m contract, or…
• What’s Transactional Analysis?

I can plan short, useful answers to these and so can get off to a great start when I meet people at networking events, or if I’m being interviewed. Of course an ‘interview’ doesn’t have to be a formal job related exercise either. It can be when we’re meeting new colleagues for the first time, introducing ourselves to key stakeholders, or selling our products and services to new client. A Minute To Win It is an extremely useful item to have in our head and, in my experience, people who use them effectively are much better at selling themselves and their ideas to others.

Our Task For This Week

Have a go at talking for 60 seconds and use the points above as a guide, to give your practice some shape. How would you summarise yourself in 8 key points? Did you check your CV to see what is missing or what you could use for a Minute To Win It? There’s more information and worked examples in the book Job Hunting 3.0 and if you’re in need of brushing up your networking skills, do check it out.

FREE Sample Book

Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Missed Last Week’s Post?

Last week was all about Classic Interview Questions which are well worth knowing and easy to overlook.

By The Way…

Well done to my chum Adrian who won his motorbike race at Snetterton this weekend, after having had to work late into the night and all morning to fix an electrical fault. That’s the kind of 15omph of achievement that deserves a round of applause!

Thank you for reading to the end. Do have great interviews!

Next week is all about PASSION…!

This photo is called 'The Sound of Silence' - which is what happens when people don't prepare any answers!

Imagine that you’re going to an interview next week and you’re trying to get prepared.You’ve read your CV, you’ve polished your shoes and you have a banana to hand (we’ll come back to that later). In my experience that’s often as much as people do to prepare for an interview, on the basis that you can’t guess what you’re going to be asked about. However, many interviews use the same questions, because once you step away from the technicalities of the role, you’re left with basic ‘people information’ that has to be gathered in. Here are my Top 10 Classic Questions, to get us all thinking:

1. Tell me about yourself…
2. Give me 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses…
3. Tell me about your proudest achievement at work…
4. Why do you want to work here?
5. What have you been doing whilst looking for a job?
6. Who else have you applied to?
7. How have you changed in the last 5 years?
8. What challenges would you face if you did this job?
9. What questions do you have for me?
10. Why should we take a risk on you?

How To Answer Classic Questions

The key here is to have your answers prepared in advance, which often means working through them with a trusted friend, to hammer out succinct and informative answers. Questions that begin ‘Tell me about..’ are looking for a short one minute story that showcases your skills and talents. If you get asked about weaknesses, the trick is to talk about things that are ‘everyday’ issues such as having an untidy desk. Some people fall into the trap of revealing genuine weaknesses, such as really poor time keeping, which could cost them the chance of a job.

Whilst you’re looking for work it pays to do something which is work-like, such as managing a sports team, or working in a charity shop. This shows initiative and energy and makes us look better than the next candidate who has been living on his sofa for six months.

Always have a couple of prepared questions, such as ‘What would be my priorities in the first month?’ or ‘Do you have any concerns about my application?’ Both of these questions produce useful information for us and if the interviewer does have any concerns we might as well face them now and explain them away when we have the chance.

Finally, the risk question. A great way to trip up over-confident candidates. The way to answer it is to acknowledge that all new hires are a risk and that in your case your ability to do ‘x’ andyour skill in ‘y’ and your experience with ‘z’ demonstrates that you are a low risk candidate. Easy, when you know how.

Minute To Win It

This is one of the best networking and interview tools, which can help us to answer the dreaded question: Tell me about yourself (or your business)… In fact, it’s so useful that next week’s post is going to be all about it, so catch it here next Monday.

Helpful Answers

There are more questions and detailed sample answers in the book Job Hunting 3.0 which now has a confirmed publication date of 21st June 2010. Please click on the link to visit the Amazon page.

And Remember…. Bananas

Bananas contain slow release sugars which can sustain our energy levels throughout the stress of an interview. This is more useful than the energy spike we get after munching a chocolate bar, which needs to be topped up again a few minutes later. So, before you go into reception, go bananas….it might help you to do really well!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Missed Last Week’s Post?

Last week was all about 5 Ways to Build Rapport which can make a big diference when we have to do any kind of selling.

Thank you for reading to the end. Do have great interviews!

Go on, shake hands with people....they like it!

Although this post is aimed at people who are going to job interviews, building rapport is an essential life skill. Like most essential skills, including money management, knowing what APR really means when you take out a loan and basic parenting skills, it’s rarely taught. People who need to have great rapport building abilities, in order to help them get their next job and earn bags of cash, have a horrible habit of blundering along in the dark, ignorant of their own faults and foibles.

To help out here are my Top 5 Tips to build rapport. Which ones do you do already and which ones do you need to do more often?

1) Smile. It relaxes people and we appear warm and friendly.

2) Shake hands.This is an assertive thing to do, although be careful not to crush people’s hands. It’s not a test of strength.

3) Use names. Few people are really called ‘Mate’, unless they’re the first mate on a ship. Names acknowledge us as individuals and are important to use.

4) Use social gaze.We can draw an imaginary triangle between the outside of someone’s eyebrows and the tip of their nose and can let our gaze wander round inside it, instead of staring eyeball-to-eyeball.

5) Notice commonality. This is my favourite tip. When we find that we have something in common with another person they cease to be a stranger to us and become a member of one of the tribes we belong to. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an iPhone tribe, or a Blackberry tribe, a football supporting tribe, or a wine drinking tribe; all connections have value. When you hear something that fits with your world, notice it by saying: ‘Hey, I do that too…’

Our Task For This Week

Choose a top tip and and have fun using it. There are many more tips in the book Job Hunting 3.0 which is out on 15th June. Click here to order your copy from Amazon.

Next Monday – Classic Interview Questions

Interviews are unpredictable, right? Wrong! They tend to stick to a well worn pattern and we can influence them, if we anticipate answers to classic questions. Next week, we’ll look at ones that pop up time and again. Which one do you think will be top of the list?

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Missed Last Week’s Post?

Last week was all about 3 juicy questions to ask at the end of an interview. Click here if you would like to find out more.

Classic interview sign-posting: Ask your questions here...!

You’re doing well at an interview, it’s drawing to a close and the person firing the questions at you pauses and asks:

‘Do you have any questions for me?’

How do you reply:

a) Um, I don’t have any,

b) You’ve answered all my questions already,

c) Thank you and I do have a couple to ask you….

Of course the correct answer is c), but the others pop up with depressing regularity, which is a pity because asking great questions is a great way to sell yourself. There are points to be had from asking smart questions and here are three of my favourites, to get you thinking:

Q1) Can you tell me what my priorities will be on day one (or for the first three months)?

Q2) Have I answered all our questions, or is there an area you would like me to expand on?

Q3) Do you have any concerns about my application?

The first question is a sneaky one because it looks into the future and invites the interviewer to see us in the job. As they do so, they begin to see what we would be like in action and this can help to confirm in their mind that we are indeed a great candidate. This is a future pacing question and it’s always worth asking, because it gives us useful information and can lead us into a job.

The second question gives us an opportunity to make good any poor answers. If we’ve waffled, or missed a question, we can hand the interviewer a better answer and can score more points. There’s no harm in having a second attempt to get things right, because the interview is our one chance to make a good impression.

Finally, the third question is one that we are often more nervous about asking, because we fear the answer…particularly if we think the interview has gone badly. However, once we’ve left the room and are heading home it can help us to know how realistic are chances are. If the interviewer does have a concern then we might as well hear it when we’re sitting in front of him and can answer it directly. Sorting out concerns is assertive and useful and can only help us out.

As a tip I always suggest people write their choice of questions at the bottom of their notepad so that they don’t have to remember them at the end of a draining hour. Life and interviews don’t have to be a memory.

Our Task For This Week

Have fun asking questions to find out useful information, whether we are at an interview or having a sales meeting. There are more questions in the book Job Hunting 3.0 which is out on 15th June. Click here order your copy from Amazon.

Next Monday – How to build rapport

The difference that makes a difference is our ability to make contact with people and to assert our character. If we can do this well, then it’s amazing how much a interviewer will warm to us and will overlook gaps in our CV. Read the blog next week for some top tips.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Missed Last Week’s Post?

Last week was all about where to look for work. Click here if you would like to know 20 places.

Thank you for reading all the way to the end! Good luck with your job hunting and see you next Monday. If you need help please feel free to contact me here.